NOV SOUL
One month "alone" in the mountains.
Our sun is a star
“Our sun is a star.”
He kept saying it to me, over and over again.
I just couldn’t understand what he meant.
-
He kept showing me, he was determined not to stop until i started to understand.
Each time he showed me it would sink just a little deeper.
We spent hours in space, looking at that sunstar, being held by the darkness, being held by him.
So held that muscles started to lift from my bones, upwards, like disappearance, like i didn’t have a body anymore.
-
When we were up there I could see the earth from a distance, I could see as the earth cycled around that sun-star, as the moon cycled around that earth.
-
Before this happened, I hadn't quite understood that the earth was in space, it had never really made sense.
Where i lived It looked more like rocks and trees and big grey buildings that touched the sky.
But from space, i started to see.
-
"Our sun is a star.” I heard him again, “Look." he pointed.
I looked and I couldn’t work out what was real anymore, I couldn’t work out if I was really in space, if the sun really was a star, if he was really talking to me, If he was really real, if the stars that made up his body, dazzling me, really existed.
I couldn’t work out if I wanted to give everything to him or not,
whether i really wanted to understand what he was trying to tell me.
-
When i finally decided, i told him: “I am yours. I will give you everything.”
The words were gone and he quickly wrapped me in web,
and he dropped me into space.
-
I fall forever,
and ever.
-
Who decides where we are in relationship to this earth; this sun; this star?
-
Once I heard that humans are giants, that if you take a ruler and put the smallest measurable thing on one end, and the biggest measurable thing on the other, humans fall slightly over half way, on the big side.
That means there is more smallness within us than there is bigness outside of us.
That means that we are not so small, we are not so insignificant, we are giants.
-
Once I heard that our sun is a star,
i heard that we are floating in a universe, in space,
i heard we are cycling, circling,
forever falling.
He kept saying it to me, over and over again.
I just couldn’t understand what he meant.
-
He kept showing me, he was determined not to stop until i started to understand.
Each time he showed me it would sink just a little deeper.
We spent hours in space, looking at that sunstar, being held by the darkness, being held by him.
So held that muscles started to lift from my bones, upwards, like disappearance, like i didn’t have a body anymore.
-
When we were up there I could see the earth from a distance, I could see as the earth cycled around that sun-star, as the moon cycled around that earth.
-
Before this happened, I hadn't quite understood that the earth was in space, it had never really made sense.
Where i lived It looked more like rocks and trees and big grey buildings that touched the sky.
But from space, i started to see.
-
"Our sun is a star.” I heard him again, “Look." he pointed.
I looked and I couldn’t work out what was real anymore, I couldn’t work out if I was really in space, if the sun really was a star, if he was really talking to me, If he was really real, if the stars that made up his body, dazzling me, really existed.
I couldn’t work out if I wanted to give everything to him or not,
whether i really wanted to understand what he was trying to tell me.
-
When i finally decided, i told him: “I am yours. I will give you everything.”
The words were gone and he quickly wrapped me in web,
and he dropped me into space.
-
I fall forever,
and ever.
-
Who decides where we are in relationship to this earth; this sun; this star?
-
Once I heard that humans are giants, that if you take a ruler and put the smallest measurable thing on one end, and the biggest measurable thing on the other, humans fall slightly over half way, on the big side.
That means there is more smallness within us than there is bigness outside of us.
That means that we are not so small, we are not so insignificant, we are giants.
-
Once I heard that our sun is a star,
i heard that we are floating in a universe, in space,
i heard we are cycling, circling,
forever falling.
Deer
I followed a path I had never seen before, up through pines and junipers, spikey gorse and long old grass, I followed upwards until there was no path, only rocks and views of mountains that stretched much further than i could ever imagine existing.
When the sun came out it burned, so I took off all my clothes.
I sat on a rock, trying to imagine what mountain ranges looked like where i couldn’t see them. Trying to imagine where the vultures that circled nearby were heading too, where they would sleep tonight. I wondered why this was the only place in the whole valley I could find juniper berries that were ripe.
Then I saw her. Alone, walking slowly, carefully, lifting one leg at a time, grazing on the remnants of autumn. She would never have been able to stumble, no matter how steep the craggy rocks were. As she moved smooth, my body became smooth too, just like hers, like soft warm air moving through me, like i couldn’t experience anything but smooth.
As my body became deer, I took off my head, and laid it on the ground next to my clothes. I didn’t really need that head anymore, I had a new one. I moved across landscapes, slowly, carefully, lifting one leg at a time, grazing on the only ripe juniper berries I could find in the valley. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a human, but I couldn’t.
I tried to imagine what a world without deer would look like, what it meant to be living through the 6th mass extinction, what it meant that there might not be deer, or vultures, or junipers, or a me anymore.
Soon the sun left and everything in the valley froze.
When the sun came out it burned, so I took off all my clothes.
I sat on a rock, trying to imagine what mountain ranges looked like where i couldn’t see them. Trying to imagine where the vultures that circled nearby were heading too, where they would sleep tonight. I wondered why this was the only place in the whole valley I could find juniper berries that were ripe.
Then I saw her. Alone, walking slowly, carefully, lifting one leg at a time, grazing on the remnants of autumn. She would never have been able to stumble, no matter how steep the craggy rocks were. As she moved smooth, my body became smooth too, just like hers, like soft warm air moving through me, like i couldn’t experience anything but smooth.
As my body became deer, I took off my head, and laid it on the ground next to my clothes. I didn’t really need that head anymore, I had a new one. I moved across landscapes, slowly, carefully, lifting one leg at a time, grazing on the only ripe juniper berries I could find in the valley. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a human, but I couldn’t.
I tried to imagine what a world without deer would look like, what it meant to be living through the 6th mass extinction, what it meant that there might not be deer, or vultures, or junipers, or a me anymore.
Soon the sun left and everything in the valley froze.
Fear everywhere
One month in the mountains, alone, and i was feeling scared, all the time. I was scared of the forest but i ran through it feeling that fear oppress me, further and further into all the places i really didn’t want to go. It was like a dull weight pushing on my chest, both heightening my senses, alert, up, anxious, and pulling down, debilitating.
I was so frustrated and alone for miles and miles and miles and miles, so i shouted, loud.
“IM FUCKING SCARED! PEOPLE ARE COMING FOR ME, DAY NIGHT ALWAYS, VICIOUS DOGS BITING LEGS, FOREST SPIRITS UNWELCOMING, HEXING, GHOSTS RELENTLESSLY HAUNTING, WILD ANIMALS: BODIES MAULING, BIRD WINGS IN FACE FLAPPING, TERRIFYING NIGHT HIDING, LEAVING MY CABIN, ROCKS FALLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN: SQUASHING BREAKING KILLING, THIS BODY RIPPED APART BY EVERYTHING, WOLVES, SNAKES, WILD BOAR, NOW I’M FALLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!”
When i stopped shouting i listened to the silence. I listened to the silence listening in that way silence always does. I looked back at the forest i had just forced myself to run through. I was in tears, angry, despairing that i belong to a normality of disconnection and fear.
Who made this world, where fear is the norm and magic is not?
I walked up to where the path turned to forest, where the pines gathered and mosses grew over the earth and i asked if the forest would keep me safe as I passed through. It took some time and space, but all that fear started to shift.
I looked down at my feet, at the rocks and plants, dry and ragged, covering the dense earth.
They were all smiling and waving. “Hi!” they said. “It’s nice to see you, where have you been?”
All that fear soon turned to grief. Sacred and scared are almost the same word.
I was so frustrated and alone for miles and miles and miles and miles, so i shouted, loud.
“IM FUCKING SCARED! PEOPLE ARE COMING FOR ME, DAY NIGHT ALWAYS, VICIOUS DOGS BITING LEGS, FOREST SPIRITS UNWELCOMING, HEXING, GHOSTS RELENTLESSLY HAUNTING, WILD ANIMALS: BODIES MAULING, BIRD WINGS IN FACE FLAPPING, TERRIFYING NIGHT HIDING, LEAVING MY CABIN, ROCKS FALLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN: SQUASHING BREAKING KILLING, THIS BODY RIPPED APART BY EVERYTHING, WOLVES, SNAKES, WILD BOAR, NOW I’M FALLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING!!!!!!!”
When i stopped shouting i listened to the silence. I listened to the silence listening in that way silence always does. I looked back at the forest i had just forced myself to run through. I was in tears, angry, despairing that i belong to a normality of disconnection and fear.
Who made this world, where fear is the norm and magic is not?
I walked up to where the path turned to forest, where the pines gathered and mosses grew over the earth and i asked if the forest would keep me safe as I passed through. It took some time and space, but all that fear started to shift.
I looked down at my feet, at the rocks and plants, dry and ragged, covering the dense earth.
They were all smiling and waving. “Hi!” they said. “It’s nice to see you, where have you been?”
All that fear soon turned to grief. Sacred and scared are almost the same word.
Praying for Lucia on the porch
Pray
Lambeth
Extinction.
x
I